Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Spray Misty For Me

You have to hand it to the pharmaceutical industry. Every company dreams of coming up with completely new ways of making money from its products, but the drug companies have figured out how to accomplish that in spades. If you are in the business of curing disease, you can never have enough of them. A healthy supply of diseases makes for a healthy cash flow. It’s a bit like the police recruiting and training criminals. Having a goodly supply of felons, cutthroats, and assorted miscreants helps the constabulary to grow and prosper.

Since the old, reliable diseases cannot be depended on for future earnings, new ailments are important. Rickets, scurvy, scarlet fever, ague, and the vapours are not the cash cows they used to be. Thankfully for investors, the guys in the disease lab are good at staying one step ahead of the guys in the cures lab. Between attention deficit disorder (ADD), restless leg syndrome (RLS), Male Erectile Dysfunction (MED), and the rest, just about everyone needs a dose of something. It was just a matter of time before FHC became the focus of attention.

Palatin Technologies of New Jersey, and scientists at Concordia University, Canada, have come up with PT-141; a nasal spray that gets people in the mood for a shag. Getting men in the mood for a shag is not actually a major scientific breakthrough. A short treatment of beer often solves the problem and, in severe cases, twenty minutes of web surfing or paging through a Victoria’s Secret catalogue is usually efficacious. For men with a serious, shag threatening condition, there’s always Viagra. The real breakthrough is that sniffing a bit of PT-141 seems to cure women with FHC: Frequent Headache Complaint. According to Palatin, with a quick snort of this stuff, a woman is not only able but also willing. At least that’s how the rats behave.

In experiments with female rats, Dr Jim Phaus of Concordia noted that test subjects immediately started wiggling their ears, slapping males in the face, and generally acting like wantons. The effects of PT-141 are virtually instantaneous and after a quick spritz, the rat lab immediately took on the appearance of a house of horizontal recreation in Bangkok.

More work is required to ensure that the new wonder drug is effective on human females. Dr Selim Celik, of the University College London says, “It’s acting on the brain, and we don’t know how female sexual behaviour is regulated in the brain.” (It’s a sure bet the answer is more than male sexual behaviour is regulated in the brain.) Part of the challenge will be to eliminate the side effects currently seen in the female rats. Wiggling the ears followed by slapping some guy in the face might be misinterpreted, particularly in a singles bar or local biker hang-out.

Palatin Technologies may have a real winner here. Even if some women are not interested in nasally induced nookie, a lot of men might pay top price for a spray can of this stuff. What is a 20-minute meaningful relationship worth these days? The overall economic impact could be huge. If millions of people are sniffing and shagging, it’s a sure thing that the demand for pizza and cigarettes will skyrocket. That’s really good for the spread of heart disease and lung cancer and, after all, finding cures is almost as profitable as finding diseases.


Blogger Wicked H said...

Amazing! What will they think of next. Hey I am all for promoting the spread of heart disease and other ailments, it keeps my Docs in business. It's all about the all mighty dollar, isn't it?

12:13 PM  
Blogger Jorge said...

So why nasal anyway? Gets to the brain faster? Pheromone thing? Are we sure it ain't coke? Hold on, I need to be annoying and blame ADD for a while.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Drivin' in my car said...

Yeah Baby!

7:05 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Next up, cologne laced with the stuff. The romeos will be stenching like the disco dudes from the 70's...


9:52 AM  
Anonymous Daniel Haszard said...

Appreciate your blog,mental health consumers are the least capable of self advocacy,my doctors made me take zyprexa for 4 years which was ineffective for my symptoms.I now have a victims support page against Eli Lilly for it's Zyprexa product causing my diabetes.--Daniel Haszard www.zyprexa-victims.com

3:53 PM  

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