Saturday, May 13, 2006

On The Road Again

It’s time for H I to move the editorial offices back across the pond. It would be easy to say that this is just a jolly in Europe, but thanks to Ali Gomaa, and the city council of Ecija, Spain, there is work to be done. After all, saving mankind’s cultural heritage is more important than a holiday.

Ali Gomaa is the Grand Mufti of Egypt. Most Grand Muftis stay busy issuing fatwas about normal religious questions and problems. Between announcing edicts on stoning women to death, decapitating infidels, and organising riots, being a GM is a tough job. The paperwork is a killer. Luckily, the internet helps with the workload. Islam Online, a popular 21st Century website aimed at the 14th Century web-savvy market segment, has a really nifty fatwa section for those everyday religious questions. If you want to know what to do on your wedding night when she finally takes off the tarpaulin, just log on to Fatwas-R-Us. If there’s a question on whether it’s ok to blow up a Starbucks for messing up the triple macchiato order, the answer is just a click away. But for those really tricky questions, there’s nothing like having a real live Grand Mufti.

Grand Mufti Ali Gomaa of Egypt has come up with an idea that makes Pat Robertson sound rational. He has decided that all the statues in Egypt have to go. Since people have been putting up statues in Egypt for about 7,000 years, the statue inventory is pretty impressive. Between Egyptian gods, Greek gods, and Roman gods, just about every museum, city park, and tourist trap is full of statues.

In response to this threat to some of the world’s great cultural heritage assets, H I is mounting a campaign to save Osiris. If any Egyptian god deserves to have his statues saved it’s this one. As the ancient historian Diodorus said, "Wherever a country did not permit the culture of the vine, there Osiris taught the people how to brew the beverage which is made of barley.” The Big O was the god of beer.

The Save Osiris campaign gets off to its official start on Monday when H I moves its headquarters back to the Pig & Whistle in North London. An appropriate statue of the old boy will be set up in a place of honour next to the dartboard. Massive quantities of the new special guest beer Gift of Osiris ESB will be consumed in protest and all profits from the sale of salt and vinegar crisps will be donated to AGGS (Ali Gomaa Get Stuffed). .

H I is also monitoring news from Ecija, Spain regarding the destruction of the ancient Roman City of Colonia Augusta Firmi Astigi to build a municipal car park. It appears that it will be necessary to go on to Spain to launch a campaign to honour Bacchus, Roman God of wine. (Although saving the world’s cultural heritage is a daunting task, at least in this case there should be good parking close to a decent bar.)

Given the critical need to devote significant time to saving Osiris and Bacchus, there may be some interruption in publishing updates to H I for several weeks. Subscribers to H I will continue to get alerts on new columns. All readers can show their support for these two campaigns by dramatically increasing their intake of beer and wine.


Anonymous Antoine the Unready said...

Dear HI, I support your campaigns and will endeavour to see you in the Pig & Whistle.

3:31 AM  
Anonymous Ananke said...

Another good reason to finish off the Smirnoff Twisted I've had in the fridge for the last 9 months. ;-)

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI - Consider it done! I'm all for worthy causes.

12:16 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

I think you should have an Osiris as a beer tap, and the important missing piece that Isis could never find could be the lever used to access the beer.

just a thought.


10:08 AM  
Blogger Amal said...

I am all about saving the statues. Sign me up.

On a more serious note: the not so "Grand Mufti" is well known for being less than intelligent. NO real worries that someone will take him seriously.

1:05 PM  

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