Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Oh Brother!

According to the Bible, Cain and Abel got off to a pretty rough start and things went downhill from there. In the beginning (or perhaps a few months after the beginning) their parents really dropped the ball. Actually, the problem was not so much dropping the ball as not dropping the apple. Adam and Eve had a pretty good thing going in Paradise. They had healthy, non-fattening food and unlimited drink, no worries about disease, and a pristine environment. Hunting was pointless and agriculture was a waste of time. The very concept of work was ridiculous, and God took care of everything. The only rule they had to follow was to lay off the apples of wisdom. A decent education was not part of the deal. (British readers will recognise the similarities with the programme of the current government.)

As the Bible recounts, Adam and Eve violated the apple rule and were tossed out of Paradise. That’s when they decided to start a family. Perhaps they thought a quick shag was against the rules when they were wandering around naked in the original version of a Sandals Resort. Hearing stories about the Paradise Resort and Spa from mom and dad must have driven older brother Cain and younger brother Abel nuts. Growing up tending boring crops and smelly sheep added insult to injury. It’s no wonder that they fell out. Of course, there’s no guarantee that the brothers would have made a good team if they had been raised in Paradise. After all, Hassanal and Jefri don’t get along either.

Hassanal is the Sultan of Brunei. He is the absolute ruler of an oil field that happens to have a small country built on top of it. He is the Sultan, Prime Minister, Defence Minster, Finance Minster and head of the country’s official religion. In spite of all that hard work, he took the time to rewrite the country’s constitution. It says, “His Majesty the Sultan can do no wrong in either his personal or any official capacity.” He also has about $15 billion and apparently he is allowed to eat apples. This is really Paradise!

Jefri is Hassanal’s younger sibling. In spite of growing up in Paradise, Jefri turned into a problem brother. He embezzled about £8 billion when he was Finance Minister. In order to settle this disagreement Hassanal did not resort to fratricide. He took even more drastic action; he hired lawyers. Poor Jefri has had to sell off a few collectibles to cover the legal fees. So far he has auctioned off 400 Victorian lampposts, two unused Mercedes fire engines, several hundred Louis XIV gilt chairs, a fleet of forklift trucks, assorted jewellery, the machinery to operate a bowling alley, 16,000 tones of Italian marble, and a 180 foot yacht named Tits. Jefri is not into themed collectibles.

Based on a Bruneian law that says Hassanal is infallible, a court has decided that Jefri has to turn over his London mansion, the Palace Hotel in Manhattan, the Bel-Air Hotel in Los Angeles, a house in Paris, a mansion in Singapore, and property assets in Indonesia, Malaysia, Japan, and France. Once again, the older brother is on a roll. It’s good to be Sultan.

Hassanal has also figured out something that Adam and Eve never realised in the Garden of Eden. He and the missus have managed to have ten children – four princes and six princesses. There’s obviously no rule against having good shag in Paradise.


Anonymous greywulf said...

Great post!

Hello from Blog Mad.

9:23 AM  
Anonymous Dariana said...

Returning the visit. A big hello from BlogMad. :-)

Thanks for visiting Almost An Angel!

11:30 AM  
Anonymous dv said...

... and the yacht has 2 tenders called Nipple 1 and Nipple 2. If you've got it, flaunt it, I say!

All the news that's fit to Blog - well done HI

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Dariana said...

Blogmad brought me back by again. :-)

1:49 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

and then his wife dies, and a british teacher comes and they read uncle tom's cabin...

haven't I seen this movie before?


3:21 PM  
Blogger L said...

it's a bit obscene the amount of money those people have....

9:45 PM  
Blogger whoever said...

hey nice post!

7:25 AM  
Blogger Ananke said...

A yacht named Tits. Great Googly Moogly. ;-)

8:58 AM  
Blogger Jorge said...

Well, I'm saving up for an mp3 player. And I have no brothers. So... it's even?

12:54 PM  
Blogger michele said...

Hassanal and jefi is full of crap.
Have you ever read the verse it's easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle,than a rich man to inherite the kingdom of god.
Just cause you got money don't mean shit!

7:03 PM  

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