Friday, March 03, 2006

Loaves And Fishes...With Extra Pepperoni

In the conflict between the ‘Western World’ and the ‘Islamic World’, the guys in the turbans have had several distinct advantages. Not only are they willing to blow themselves up, they are breeding faster than a North Korean nuclear reactor. Given their birth rates, it’s quite a trick to supply everyone who dies for their cause with 72 virgins. Obviously they have a secret stash of virgins somewhere – weapons of mass satisfaction. It’s also obvious that they have been better at mass producing fundamentalist religious leaders than the west has. These guys can crank out imams faster than McDonalds can serve up double cheeseburgers. If there’s a shortage of mullahs, no problem. Just find a bunch of guys with straggly beards, glazed eyes, hats made out of old beach towels, and an arrested sense of humour.

Luckily, the US, the bastion of ‘western values’, has recognised that Rev. Pat Robertson is hopelessly outnumbered in the struggle against Ayatollahs R Us. In a little known campaign to recruit patriotic religious nut cases to meet this challenge, another brave American has stepped up to the plate!

Tom Monoghan founded Domino’s Pizza and sold the business for about $1 billion in 1998. After years of mucking about with thin crusts, stringy cheese, and figuring out what to do with 11,273 tons of leftover anchovies, Tom has volunteered for Operation Ayatollah Response. The maniacal mullahs might have Falujah, but America will soon have Ave Maria, Florida.

Monoghan has bought about 5,000 acres of land on the western edge of a Florida swamp and he plans to build a city based on strict Roman Catholic principles on the site. There will be a Catholic University with 5,000 students, and a city of about 30,000 faithful parishioners. This town will make the Pope proud. Since Tom will own all of the commercial space in town, he will be able to decide what’s sold and what isn’t. Forget condoms, scratch birth control pills, say goodbye to adult magazines, and don’t bother looking for Monday Night Bonking on cable TV. At the centre of town, there will be a 100 foot tall oratory, although it is not clear if the Singing Nuns will be hired to go up into the tower to call the faithful to prayer 5 times a day. This town will be as straight-laced as Mecca; and it will have golf carts!

Governor Jeb Bush of Florida attended the recent ground breaking ceremony for Deep Dish University, and state officials declared the project “a development bonanza for a depressed area.” When you start with a swamp, pretty much the only way to go is up. On the other hand, concerns are being raised about the project. The area is home to the Florida panther, an endangered species. Perhaps Ave Maria High School will name their football team The Panthers. Appeasement monkeys from the liberal left are also complaining about church-state separation, freedom of expression, and all the rest of that subversive clap-trap that weakens America’s defences.

Ave Maria, Florida could be one of the most potent strategic responses in the War on Terror so far. After all, any town that is run on strict Roman Catholic principles should be able to build up a massive stockpile of virgins.


Blogger Dr.John said...

I laughed all the way through even though I know I shouldn't have. Your not so subtle attack on Christian values should have had me starpping on my bomb belt and looking for you. I sure am glad I'm Christian and don't have to.

9:17 AM  
Blogger Ananke said...

If all we need to win the war on terror is a massive stockpile of virgins, maybe we should give Barbara Cartland a call. ;-)

9:50 AM  
Anonymous Ciya said...

Great news item to riff ..and very (ir)reverent. The Catholic church could sure use a boost of some sort these days. Somehow this just does not seem to be it.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Abby Taylor said...

And all sex must last 30 minutes or less.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Jorge said...

Are you implying catholic schoolgirls are virgins? I thought that was a biological impossibility. Tourists will flock.

4:45 PM  
Blogger siren said...

If only appeasement monkeys were an endangered species...

9:41 PM  
Blogger Bruce -- Harper Blue said...

How come Florida gets all these company towns? First Celebration (built and operated by the Mouse), and now Pizzaville? I guess I moved out in time...and I lived near where Celebration is now.

To ananke: I toast you! An excellent reply.

10:37 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

And what will be the response the first time God hits Ave Maria with a hurricane? I wonder.

But pat r. has had some dude named Tilton on his side for years. That guy is Hysterical. The only difference betwixt these dudes and the mullahs is the not-so-arrested sense of humor of the folks surrounding them (in fact, there was a mpeg sent around years ago of one of them, with fart noises every time the guy made a certain facial expression. Nothing like third grade humor to spark a chortle.)


2:45 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Don't you guys have an official state religion over there? The head dude is some druid, right?


2:49 PM  

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