Sunday, March 26, 2006

Hearts And Minds

The Pentagon has announced that, pending a final policy review, Iraqi newspapers will continue to be paid to run selected news stories. This has raised the inevitable outcries from the freedom of the press crowd. In defence of the policy, the US government claims that it is merely trying to get a balanced view of the news to Iraqi citizens.

A recent survey indicates that very few Homo Insapiens readers subscribe to Iraqi newspapers. The main reasons for this include, “There’s no horoscope” (11%), “The TV guide listings don’t include cable channels” (37%), “The crossword puzzles are impossible” (72%), and “I can’t read Arabic,” (99.899%). In order to help H I readers make an informed judgement on this issue, we are pleased to reprint excerpts from some US-financed stories recently published in the Iraqi press. You be the judge.

Traffic Accidents Eliminated
Fallujah’s streets continue to be among the safest in the world as traffic accidents have dropped to zero. Citing the government’s 24-hour curfew and the new regulations barring the use of automobiles, a spokesman for the Iraqi office of the American Insurance Association said, “If this continues, we’ll be able to lower premiums for collision coverage very soon.”
The Fallujah Post

Another Diplomatic Success
Thanks to the assistance of the US government, there is more evidence that the new Iraq is being welcomed into the family of nations. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs confirms that the risk of hostilities between Iraq and Costa Rica has been all but eliminated. Negotiations, under the auspices of the US State Department, are underway to finalise a 99 year non-aggression treaty.
The Baghdad Enquirer

Mosque Renovation Program Continues
Efforts to renovate and refurbish the country’s mosques are in full swing. Significant progress has been made on the first phase of the work on the Golden Mosque in Samara, and efforts to remove the dome have been completed. Similar projects have begun on dozens of other mosques. As a part of the government’s equal opportunity campaign, Sunni and Shiite construction companies will continue to be awarded renovation contracts on each others' mosques.
The Samara Times-Picayune

US Congressional Delegation Visits
Eight members of the US House of Representatives made a brief visit to Iraq on a fact finding mission. Commenting on their journey, the ranking member on the Sub-committee on Steroids in Baseball noted, “We had to be mindful of flying through enemy controlled air space. At least our flight plan took us over France in the middle of the night. But the risk was worth it. It’s clear that the use of steroids in organised baseball in Iraq is not a problem.”
The Kirkuk Post Intelligencer

Mystery Solved
After years of investigation, the US Central Intelligence Agency has finally discovered what happened to the welcoming flowers when American troops first arrived in the country. An agency spokesman said, “It was a huge mistake. FTD got the order mixed up and sent the flowers to the Hawaiian Tourist Board instead.” An FTD spokesman added, “It won’t happen again. We’ve upgraded our computer systems. We’re ready to guarantee reliable floral deliveries to Iran.”
The Basra Bugle & Record

It’s good to know that the Pentagon is committed to the principle of “all the news that’s printed to fit.”

15 Comments:

Blogger Abby Taylor said...

I see they've hired Judith Miller.

Very nice post!

11:25 AM  
Blogger siren said...

Great job, H.I. I think it seems fairly balanced, by U.S. standards.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Amal said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOL, thanks for such a good laugh. You are so funny!

3:14 PM  
Anonymous kitty teltscher said...

When I've done laughing, I'll forward to friends. Nice to see this sort of American perspective.

2:38 AM  
Blogger Jorge said...

I can't believe there's no horoscope. What a shame.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Ananke said...

Seems there's no sudoku, either. No wonder no one's subscribing. ;-)

8:59 AM  
Blogger Ken Grandlund said...

Beautiful, as always.

They must have Karl Rove vetting their press stories.

3:39 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

do they have a page 3 girl or a comics section? those are the big draws to papers here.

(*)>

1:13 PM  
Blogger Blue Gal said...

So nice of you to help Rummy and Karen Hughes with their agitprop. Linking to you today, hon.

12:24 PM  
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