Sunday, February 26, 2006

A Sporting Chance

The 2006 Winter Olympics are now behind us and Great Britain brought home 1 medal. That’s about average for the past 20 years. In the Summer Olympics, a ranking of countries based on medals won per million population puts the UK somewhere between 30th and 50th over the years. To be fair, this is not the fault of the athletes. Great Britain has a clear disadvantage in the Summer and Winter Olympics: Great Britain does not have a summer or a winter. Weather doesn’t arrive in neatly packaged seasons in the UK. By the time someone can dust off their snowboard or sharpen their javelin, its time to get in out of the rain. Very few Olympic sports are played with an umbrella. H I believes it’s time for a Non-Seasonal Olympic Games to highlight Albion’s sporting prowess.

Synchronized Queuing

Teams must form an orderly queue for no apparent reason in the shortest time. Points are deducted for jostling and awarded for civility. (This sport should not be confused with American Lining-up. Everyone knows the Yanks can’t even spell queuing.)

Individual Free Style Binge Drinking

Unlike most sports, the competition ends at the sound of a bell. Until that time contestants attempt to pour the entire contents of a pub down their neck. (In the spirit of fair play, no one remembers who won or lost.)

Mixed Pairs Parking

Teams are expected to find an on-street parking space and park their car in it before the team members murder each other. (Use of a resident’s permit or disabled indicator is grounds for disqualification.)

Giant Grocery Slalom

Individual athletes must steer a shopping trolley laden with 400 pounds of food from one end of a Tesco supermarket to the other on a Saturday without hitting anything or developing a hernia. (For EU contestants the food must weigh181.436948 kilograms.)

Speed Balancing

Contestants telephone a British bank’s call centre and compete to find a Customer Care Representative who can actually give them a balance on a savings account. Additional difficulty factor points are awarded if the call centre rep is from Bangladesh, Rumania, or Newcastle. (This is classified as a long-term endurance sport.)

British teams are heavily favoured in these events since they get so much practice. There are, however, plans to include a new demonstration sport in the Non-Seasonal Olympics to open up the competition and increase international participation. Downhill Multiculturalism will allow athletes from any country to play by their own rules.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait, are you saying there's no "w" in queuing?

8:44 PM  
Anonymous toast99 said...

oh...I am in practice now

1:32 AM  
Blogger Jorge said...

I'm starting to think my Rainy Olympics project has some tough competition.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Ananke said...

Hm, speaking of slaloms, what ever happened to Eddie the Eagle? He was so bad, he was good. I miss that guy.....

2:09 PM  
Blogger Ken Grandlund said...

These sound great! Where can I start training?

6:01 PM  
Blogger planetmoron said...

I would address the relatively low medal count from a different direction. Rather than try to up the numbers, lower the expectations by pulling a Bode Miller and just have the entire UK Olympic Team say that they really don't care about medals, they're just there for "the Olympic experience."

Then use this new found "street cred" with the younger crowd to secure Nike sponsorships, dedicated web sites, and just sit back and start depositing the endorsement checks.

I'm sorry, "cheques." ;)

2:01 PM  
Blogger Useless Man said...

The Olympics scheduled this on purpose! If they had a Rainy Spring Olympics 2007, GB would win all the medals!

The only competition would be from Vancouver, Canada.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Marie said...

It's ok. At least you "rule the waves."

2:10 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

You forgot the competition to add useless vowels to words... extra points if it's not an "u".

But I do like the multicultural downhill stuff.


2:52 PM  

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