Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Border Security

The US Congress has returned and is hard at work. It’s easy to tell when Congress is back in session. They start banging on about “doing the peoples’ business by standing up resources in a forward-leaning way on a date certain.” When they are at home, they never talk that way because no one would understand them. Between wiretapping, ethics reform, Iraq, Gulf Coast relief, and retaining defence lawyers, it’s certain to be a busy session. Unfortunately that does not leave a lot of time for two of W’s big, but almost forgotten, ideas: Social Security Reform and Immigration Policy.

The main issue regarding Social Security reform seems to be to define what the problem is. Republicans and Democrats are in complete disagreement. The former have convincing evidence that by 2041 everyone over 55 will be forced to eat cat food. Democrats have equally convincing evidence that the real problem is the diet of the lilac crested tree iguana unless gay civil unions are legalised on Guam. A clear analysis of the demographics of the American population should resolve this bitter battle. H I is happy to provide the solution.

The US population is about 300 million. About 75 million of those are under 18 and cannot vote. They are unlikely to contribute to political campaigns. Problem solved.

About 70 million people are 55 or over and are not affected by any proposed changes to Social Security. They can watch Viagra and Levitra adverts on the telly instead of watching politicians carry on about cat food and iguanas.

There are 85 million Americans between the ages of 25-44. They don’t expect Social Security to be around when they retire. It would be a betrayal of trust for their government to disappoint them.

That leaves 85 million Americans who might or might not give a toss.

Demographic analysis of this critical group is very revealing. There are the fanatical Democrats who are still so incensed with the results of the last two elections, and are so enamoured of brie and Chablis, that they are planning to move to Quebec, Canada. That’s them sorted. There are the fanatical Republicans who are awaiting the end of the world. Since Armageddon will surely arrive before the politicians can agree on anything, they don’t have a worry. They have Celestial Security.

There are other large minority groups whose personal retirement plans are already taken care of. These include investment bankers, lawyers, and mass murderers serving life sentences without parole. They can be put into one demographic group.

Average, moderate Americans between 45 and 54 never form a demographic group bigger than a bowling team. They are too busy working and paying taxes.

That leaves one major, cohesive demographic group in the population. There are about 16 million illegal immigrants in the US. The vast majority of them are from Mexico and are hard working. All they want is a chance to send a bit of money home.

Social Security can be saved by Immigration Policy! Pay the benefits in Mexican pesos.

4 Comments:

Blogger siren said...

That would seem like a perfectly reasonable solution; fortunately for me, I fall within the group that has no or very low expectations from the government. I'm rarely disappointed.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Ananke said...

I'm in the group that may or may not give a toss, so I guess it doesn't matter. I'm depending on my 401k for my retirement. If I actually get something from Social Security, it will just be a bonus. ;-)

11:37 AM  
Blogger Abby Taylor said...

This makes more sense than the "build more mcdonalds" idea where we encourage obesity and death, thus lessening the social security burden.

Good going!

10:10 PM  
Blogger planetmoron said...

I was a little worried about how I was going to be able to afford to retire but I expect to be coming into quite a decent chunk of change shortly once that nice man from Nigeria sends me my share of the money.

10:54 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Mandatory
Miscellanea

Humor Blog Top Sites