Sunday, January 01, 2006

The Year Ahead - 2006

Homo Insapiens is proud to welcome guest columnist Madame Zsa Zsa and to publish her popular Annual Forecast for 2006. Madame regularly contributes her forecasts to Modern Necromancer, Nephrology Today, and the US White House Daily National Security Briefing.

January: The month ends abruptly after only 31 days. World-wide celebrations marking publication of the first Homo Insapiens column on 15 January 2005 deplete global alcohol stocks to dangerous levels.

February: Iraqi citizens demand another national election. Tests indicate that the purple ink supplied by Afghan sub-contractors contains sufficient cocaine to really chill out. Sunni radicals are urged to put down their guns and suck their index fingers.

March: Brewers and distillers still struggle to recover from the effects of 15 January. The US Senate authorises release of its Strategic Bourbon Supply over the vehement protests of Senator Ted Kennedy.

April: Scientists discover that global warming is significantly affected by the sun. Friends of The Planet demand that Earth be repositioned between Jupiter and Neptune. Barbara Striesand donates $1 million to the New Orbit Coalition.

May: Meeting on the French Riviera, African leaders decide to organise their own aid concert using the slogan ‘Eliminate the Middle-Man Now’.

June: The US Army Corps of Engineers reveals that the New Orleans levees failed because they were made of papier mâchè. Local contractors point out that the Mardi Gras floats survived Hurricane Katrina.

July: Christian Evangelist Reverend Duane Surely condemns Albert Einstein for ‘Godless relativism’. The State of Kansas immediately limits the speed of light to 55 miles per hour.

August: The last Mexican resident arrives in the United States. All the countries of Central and South America agree to move up one space.

September: Wal-Mart announces the opening of its 83,729th store in the USA saying, ‘you can now drive from St Louis to Miami without ever leaving the parking lot!’

October: New raunchy Paris Hilton videotape surfaces. China demands the return of Giant Panda Tsao ‘Long John’ Zsu citing failure of security at New York zoo.

November: Google finds last missing piece of information. Stock crashes to 11 cents.

December: The Smuggs family of Akron, Ohio add one additional light to their award winning annual Christmas display causing the North American power grid to self-destruct. Japan raises whale oil prices to $800 a barrel.


Blogger Ananke said...

What's really scary is that the last one is the most likely scenario. ;-) Oh, and the Wal-mart one. One day we'll all wake up and the country will be nothing but a giant Wal-mart full of Chinese products.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

Loved this post! I think that the Wal-Mart thing is pretty scary. But, I guess that's what happens when citizens are forced into free-market economies, right?

Eeek. Gracias a Dios para Evo Morales, Hugo Chavez y Castro, no?


Progressive Puritan

3:30 PM  
Blogger Ken Grandlund said...

with predictions like this, 2006 will be full of vigor indeed!

I'll be sure to raise a glass on the 15th in celebration of the HI anniversary!

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Blighty Blog said...

I can't help feeling that 2006 will be a let down after that! At least Wal-mart seem unknown outside the US, or over here anyway. The same can't be said for Starbucks however. They have bought every street corner in England!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Amal said...

See you on the 15th to tipple!

1:52 PM  
Blogger Abby Taylor said...

Excellent post.

I didn't hear about any of this on Fox News though.

11:07 AM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

does the "move up" continue across the globe? south africa gets chile?


2:58 PM  

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