Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Pat Works In Mysterious Ways

At first glance, spending upwards of $50 million to build an Evangelical Christian theme park in Israel looks a bit like proposing to build a monument to the Luftwaffe in London. Some of the locals might take it the wrong way. That’s not the only problem. The site of the new venture is a piece of land that Syria wants Israel to return. That’s a bit like Disney opening a Magic Kingdom in the Korean demilitarised zone. Then there’s the customer base: about 40 million American born-agains who look forward to a nice baby back pork rib bar-b-que after church and can’t wait for Jews to convert or be handed over to Satan so the world can end. Fundamentalist Christians thrive on challenges however. Reverend Pat Robertson, a backer of this project, announced that when Arial Sharon suffered a stroke, he was ‘smote by God’. There’s nothing like condemning a country’s most popular politician to hell to get a theme park off to a good start.

For readers outside the United States, Pat is a ‘televangelist’ and the founder of Regent University. Regent's mission is ‘Training Christian Leaders to Change the World.’ It’s a bit like a 5-star Pakistani madrassa with golf shirts and tasseled loafers. After praying for liberal US Supreme Court Justices to drop dead, calling for the assassination of the President of Venezuela, and condemning Scotland as a ‘dark land’ for its toleration of homosexuality, Pat was running out of countries as theme park candidates. Israel was a natural, especially given all the biblical references.

In spite of Robertson’s minor faux pas, plans for the new park are well underway. Test marketing the concept with the members of the Church of Apocalyptic Doom Followed By Rapture has produced very promising results. Although the planned Loaves and Fishes Restaurant will offer a limited menu, the rock bottom prices appear to be a winning feature. (Food costs are so important in a successful feeding operation.) The unlimited refills on wine at the Wedding at Canae Inn should also be a real draw. The inn’s all-inclusive Cure and Redemption package at $2,250 (double occupancy) should be particularly popular with the leper market segment. Unfortunately, plans by several Israeli investors to include a comedy club called Sadducees and Pharisees have gotten mixed reviews. There is, however, real excitement about the free donkey rides between the baptismal pool and the trailer park. The 8 meter diving board featured at the baptismal pool received rave reviews from a focus group of especially committed wannabe converts who wish to be born again in the Holy Land.

Uri Dagul, the head of the Israel Youth Hostels Association and a supporter of the new venture says, ‘no way will it be a Disneyland. We have to keep the spirit of the place. If we lose this spirit, with too many lights and projectors, it will be a catastrophe.’ Apparently this means that parents will not be able to take holiday photos of the kids standing next to park employees dressed in King Herod or Pontius Pilate costumes. It probably also means visitors can forget about the Escape to Egypt roller coaster ride.

It is entirely fitting that Reverend Robertson should be a key player in establishing a biblical theme park. After all, he is prominently mentioned in the New Testament. It’s in that bit about the Sermon on the Mount…Blessed are the nut cases for they shall give Me a good laugh.


Blogger siren said...

Whenever I see Pat Robertson's name, I know it's going to be something crazy. But you have to admit, he does crazy right. It's no-holds barred insanity at it's finest.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Amal said...

LOOOOOOL, nice post.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Ananke said...

Pat Robertson is a 5-star loon. He needs to be removed to an undisclosed location away from cameras and microphones. ;-)

9:01 AM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Actually, it's a plan to get a christian fun park into muslim territory - that's why they want the slice of land Syria has its eye on.


1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are quickly working your way onto the 'smote list'. Great blog!

8:48 AM  
Blogger Abby Taylor said...

WOE be unto anyone who questions Pat's motives.

This post is top-drawer.

Love it.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Ken Grandlund said...

I can't wait for the Flood of 40 Days theme ride. I hear that if you buy the package deal you can get a room with the elephants.

Also, Pat promises to have a special "members only" crucifixion pit where you can really show your enemies who's in charge.

Always a fun time!

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hear the 10 Plagues Horror House is going to be a major feature.

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Earth, that was hilarious.

Proselytizing Pat, the "assassinate them all" man (as opposed to Annthrax Cuntergeist, the "assassinate them all" he/she), has tried this stunt before. The Scots sent him packing, and told him to take him pamphlets with him or pay a fine for littering, and he came storming back to Chicken George's arms fuming that Scotland was "a dark land full of homosexuals." (One Scotsman responded that they wouldn't issue any more tourist visas to members of the 700 club.)

I don't know what the land prices are in Israel / Syria, but I suspect that his pathetic $50 million is a tax dodge, because it wouldn't pay the electric bill to turn on the lights for one night at Mouseworld. And then there's the whole supply-line thing. Bets that Halliburton has already been awarded the no-bid contract, which they'll renege on after one day of dynamiting the land due to "insurance reasons"?

Seriously, this smacks of money-laundering. Maybe this is where Cockroach DeLay and company plan to flee.

But for Mr. Avraham Hirschson, the Israeli tourism minister, who has this idea that "if they come here as tourists, they're friends of Israel," allow this four-decades-long neighbor of The Mouse to enlighten you: the money spent by fat drunken bums with their screaming brats will not pay for what it costs you in police, emergency services, water and sewer costs, environmental damage and pollution, traffic disasters, and the tourist-trap hanger-on eyesores that spring up along the road like toxic toadstools for dozens of kilometers around. And while Florida's tackiest of all tourist traps cheerfully rip off everyone who makes it across the border from any direction, we've learned the hard way that they neither come nor go as "friends."


8:17 AM  

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