Friday, January 20, 2006

Let's Get Prepared

The United States Department of Health and Human Services has issued a list of useful information for citizens in order to prepare for an avian flu pandemic. The six easily remembered categories of actions provide a partial guide to surviving a nationwide attack by the H5N1 virus. As a public service, Homo Insapiens is providing some additional critical tips that the HHS has overlooked.

1. Interruptions To Social Services May Be Widespread

In addition to the possible closure of hospitals, government offices, post offices and banks, saloons, singles bars and night clubs may be forced to suspend services. Prepare back-up plans such as storing 12 cases of gin at home and for caring for people with special needs such as Hooter’s waitresses or male strippers.

2. Being Able To Work May Be Difficult Or Impossible

Plan for the possible reduction or loss of income if you are unable to work or your place of employment is closed. Employment opportunities may emerge in body collection and having a handcart or wheelbarrow will be a competitive advantage. Practice saying ‘Bring Out Your Dead’ in a clear, audible voice.

3. Schools May Be Closed for an Extended Period of Time

Get to know the neighbour’s kids in advance. They can be very useful and cost effective in foraging for food and if they return without a hacking cough or a fever you will know it is safe to go out.

4. Transportation Service May Be Disrupted

Bus, train and air schedules will be unreliable and service levels will be appalling. Drivers, conductors and baggage handlers will be surly and unwilling to assist you. This is a sure sign that the worst of the pandemic has passed and that things are returning to normal.

5. People Will Need Advice and Help at Work and Home

Advise neighbours and co-workers that you own a large gun collection. Review your in-laws’ last will and testament and offer to help with estate planning if necessary.

6. Be Prepared

Stock up on critical items such as medicine, food and water and decide in advance how much you will charge for them when your neighbours’ supply is depleted.

Of course, it is possible to fight the avian flu pandemic. Do your part. Consider taking up duck hunting, lacing your neighbour’s bird feeder with cyanide, and ordering the Big Bucket at KFC.


Blogger Abby Taylor said...

Finally, a good reason to invite male strippers over to my house! Thank you, Homo Insapiens, THANK YOU!

11:01 AM  
Blogger Africanuck said...

Abby, you might add point number 7 as well then:

Keep a large supply of small bills onhand. ;)

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the Monty Python reference :-) I'm going to go order some chicken!

12:51 PM  
Blogger Ananke said...

Once again, Homo Insapiens has provided a valuable public service. I hadn't even considered that the local bar might be closed. Oh, the horror!!!! Note to self: stock up on spirits starting YESTERDAY! ;-)

8:51 PM  
Blogger planetmoron said...

Wait, do you mean 12 additional cases of gin, or are the 12 cases I usually keep on hand enough?

6:52 PM  
Anonymous reaper said...

You know harveyg, or so I gathered from the link to this blog. He hasn't been on in a while, but that is not why I am here.

I made a speech about the current state of our country and you can visit it here

a PAC was formed from this by pinto beans. Our message board can be found here

Regardless of your views, I think you care about our country, so I ask you to join. In a nutshell this is a hastily written basic philosophy of our PAC,

We listen to all sides of an issue and discuss it, promote understanding of all sides of the problem, evaluate both sides good and bad traits, use a neutral system to brainstorm unbiased solutions to the problem, present problem to the people for opinion, if accepted a period of testing begins, if the solution succeeds in a set time period then it becomes the law, if it fails then a new solution will be made attempting to root out the predecessors faults, and eventually we hope to solve the problem in the best possible way we can.

Most of the specifics are in my original speech, and I am happy to hear suggestions to them. My dream is to create a party with these ideals and unite America by solving problems to benefit everyone.

I really need a Rightist to join to balance Pinto's leftist. this is the current state of things

1. left side led by Pinto
2. neutral side led by reaper
3. right side led by capable person

You can be whatever you wish, also, we are looking for moderators to help get the board started. If you have any great ideas, then pm us or email us and you will most likely be able to become a mod. I have to compose the mission statement again, so our board looks really leftist right now, so I really need a rightist to become a mod. You are probably liberal, (I assume), but I would still love for you to join. Also tell your rightist friends if you have any!

8:20 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Just don't blame me. I didn't start it.


4:51 PM  
Blogger Chromatius said...

And of course, Tamiflu and Relenza will be unavailable.

Not that we know if they work anyway, but they cost a bomb.

7:32 AM  

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