Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Beat The Dead Horse

It seems to be a universal law of nature that any concept for a television series that attracts a significant audience will be reincarnated more often than a Buddhist monk. Law & Order has spawned Law & Order SVU, Law & Order Criminal Intent, and Law & Order Trial By Jury. CSI: Las Vegas has fathered CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. (Apparently CSI: New Orleans was dropped after one of the policemen stole the microscope.) Donald Trump and Martha Stewart have provided armies of apprentices, and marital bliss has enveloped bachelors, bachelorettes, and geeks. Although it may be a felony to beat a person to death on Boston Legal, The Law Firm and Close to Home, it is obviously not even a misdemeanour to beat a concept to death on TV.

After the surprise success of Dancing With The Stars in 2005, it was a sure bet that doing something else with ‘Stars’ was on the way. Given the ever watchful spoilsports at the Parents Television Council, Shagging With The Stars or Sharing Columbian Marching Powder With The Stars were not reasonable options. The obvious answer was Skating With The Stars. The premise of this show is a contest between two-person mixed teams. Each team is composed of one championship ice skater and one semi-famous ‘star’ whose familiarity with ice is limited to defrosting a refrigerator. The resulting performances give real hope for an Olympic medal to the pairs figure skating team from Nigeria.

HI’s television critic, Lance Thrust, can report that several exciting new attempts to squeeze money from old plot lines are in the works in TV-land.

Nakimoto: Forensic Lepidopterist. Exploring new possibilities for shows about the use of science in crime fighting, this hard hitting drama focuses on crimes involving butterflies. In the first segment, titled ‘Wings of Death’, Nakimoto pits his skills against a terrorist cell that has trained Monarch butterflies to attack police vehicles.

The Baritones. This gripping drama tells the hard hitting story of a Finnish crime family that muscles in on church choirs to force them to sing excerpts from Kullervo by Sibelius. Arguments between family boss Roope and his wife Venla over raising reindeer add to the tension.

Survivor: Falluja. A group of middle-aged Western women are parachuted into Iraq’s Sunni Triangle. In a fun twist, their family members back home compete to raise enough ransom money to gain their release.

Phantom of the East Wing: Combining the popularity of political dramas and science fiction shows, this series is based on the unexplainable, mysterious election of a Liberal Democrat to the American presidency. In the first segment, the new president is faced with the dual disasters of a flight of enemy pigs over Washington, and a potential environmental crisis as hell freezes over.

At this time, H I is unable to confirm rumours that Kofi Annan is negotiating to host a remake of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.


Blogger siren said...

H.I. - I believe you may have a future at the Fox network.

1:21 PM  
Blogger planetmoron said...

You had me at "wings of death."

6:17 PM  
Blogger Ananke said...

Careful, H.I., Fox may steal your ideas. Oh, wait, that should read Fox WILL steal your ideas. ;-)

11:34 AM  
Blogger Jorge said...

Don't let the executives of CW get to this. They might be searching for an "original network identity". The horror!

4:05 PM  
Blogger Amal said...

H.I. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. :))

1:50 AM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

coffee out the nose on survivor:fallujah. Good one.

I'm personally waiting for the Iron Chef meets What Not To Wear... I'd like to see Morimoto ginsu that termagant Stacy.


9:54 AM  

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