Sunday, December 04, 2005

Election 2005

The Iraqi election is scheduled for 15 December. Over 120 political parties are contesting 275 seats in the National Assembly. As the cable news networks are concentrating on the main political groups, H I is proud to provide an analysis of the most influential smaller parties in the race.

Under their dynamic leader Nebuchadnezzar Akkad, The Sons of Babylon look like a powerful force. They are campaigning to rebuild the Hanging Gardens and promise to hang someone in the garden behind party headquarters every Friday if elected. They also want to restore the cuneiform script to the school system and have demanded that the US provide every Iraqi citizen with a wireless, web-enabled Etch-A-Sketch tablet.

The ultra-liberal Progressive Freedom Faction is arguing for a kinder, gentler Islam. In an appeal to New Age voters, they are calling for the legal sale of hashish, alcoholic beverages and elimination of dietary controls. The PFF is getting attention with their hard hitting television spots featuring the catchy slogan ‘Where’s the pork?’

The New Democrats call themselves the Big Tent Party. In trying to appeal to everyone from centrists to far left agitators, they have decided not to propose any policies but to simply denounce everything their opponents say. Realising they have no chance of winning control of the National Assembly, they are concentrating on holding onto control of the Supreme Imams. Their offices are located in the Tower of Babel.

The Al Q’ore Martyrs Brigade, (a fanatical splinter group of the New Democrats), maintains that the last Iraqi election was rigged and is committed to restoring the Coalition Authority. Their members are willing to commit political suicide by strapping a copy of the party platform onto their bodies and appearing in public.

The Iraqi National Republican Party bases their position on a strong national defence policy. They support the Caliphate Act and maintain that Ecuador is an imminent threat to Iraq. They have proposed a guest bomber programme for undocumented terrorists who sneak across the border. In an appeal to their base, they favour overturning Fatima vs. Achmed, public executions of members of the ICLU, and they encourage all retailers to use the phrase ‘Merry Ramadan’.

Iraqis Abroad represents citizens who have emigrated to other countries. They support the use of washable ink in elections, voting rights for deceased Iraqis, unlimited campaign contributions, unaudited public works projects, jobs for their supporters in the Baghdad Water Department, and the firing of all federal prosecutors. They are headquartered in Chicago.

As the election season heats up there will be a flood of television adverts, mass mailings, telephone appeals and camel stickers. Look for lots of hand-written signs along the streets. With over 120 political parties, there will be millions of improvised election devices installed. As Vice President Cheney says, ‘It’s a sure sign of democracy and progress when every road in the country is littered with IED’s’.


Blogger harveyg said...

Brilliant satire! Thanks for the laugh.

(Or was it satire??)

This is Whymrhymer I gave up on my old blog and, after a lengthy hiatus (sp?) I've started anew at The Venerable Infidel, now using my real name (out of the closet, so to speak).

Drop by sometime and say Hi!

6:20 PM  
Blogger Abby Taylor said...

Haaaaaaa. Love it.

This needs to be print-published.

And I read IED's as IUD's. And in a twisted way, it still made sense.

3:21 PM  
Blogger Graham said...

Outstanding blog.

8:31 AM  

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