Sunday, November 13, 2005

On The Safe Side

Last week produced a bag of mixed results for the supporters of Intelligent Design. In Dover, Pennsylvania, the Everything-is-so-Complicated supporters experienced what it’s like to become extinct. Voters went to the polls and decided it was time to evolve the local school board. One of the school board members was not up for re-election. The other eight were supporters of a statement that there are ‘gaps’ in the theory of evolution, that Intelligent Design is an alternative, and that students could read about ID in a book entitled ‘Of Pandas and People’ which is available in the high school library. All eight were defeated in the election. The students at the centre of this controversy supported the proposition that there are gaps in the theory of abstinence before marriage. They maintain that shagging in the back seat of Dad’s car is a pretty good alternative and note that this month’s Hustler is available at the 7-11 next to the high school.

Reverend Pat Robertson, Ambassador Plenipotentiary of the Intelligent Designer, reacted in a quiet and Christian manner. He advised the ‘good citizens of Dover, if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God. You just rejected Him from your city.’ Apparently the good citizens do not consider a tsunami to be an impending event. Students at Regent University, founded by Reverend Pat, immediately held a rally at the school’s new Olympic swimming complex and baptismal font to pray for the discovery of a volcano in southern Pennsylvania. In an act of true charity, Evangelical Christians across America decided to support Robertson in spite of the fact that he appears to be two psalms short of a full testament.

A thousand miles west of Dover, the good citizens of Kansas are not taking any chances with tsunamis or volcanoes. The state Board of Education voted 6-4 to include Intelligent Design in the science curriculum. They also voted to redefine science so that it is ‘no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena’. Board Chairman Steve Abrams said, ‘This is a great day for education’. It is not clear if Kansas will update the history curriculum to include the Tin Man, the Wizard and the Wicked Witch of the East.

Meanwhile, in other breaking news from Kansas, Steve Arnold discovered a huge oriented pallasite in a field in Kiowa County. The 1,400 pound meteorite exceeds the size of the one thousand pounder discovered in the state in 1949. ‘It is aesthetically the kind of meteorite that makes collectors drool’ said Arnold. (Obviously, Hustler is not available in Kansas.)

Kansas seems to be covered in meteorites and their fragments. Clearly the Intelligent Designer needed a break from time to time. What does a Designer do to relax? Team sports are out. There’s no one to play cards with, and being the only person in the universe makes a singles’ bar just a lonely place with an ironic name. It looks like He took up target practice and used Kansas as a nice, flat target.

So the people of Kansas have intelligently hedged their bets in case the Designer takes another break. After all, according to Pat, He is more likely to lob in a few more meteorites than to thumb through a copy of this month’s Hustler.


Blogger Abby Taylor said...

Ha! A few psalms short of a testament. I love that line.

Good read.

11:46 AM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Kansas kansas kansas...
what the hell makes politicians think they can define what science is? I think they should stick with things like eminent domain and let scientists and educators deal with those areas...


1:28 PM  
Anonymous dv said...

I'm right behind Steve Abrams and the Kansas Eduacational Board. For too long the US has spent billions of dollars and borne the weight of 'scientific' leadership by training thousands of rigorous-thinking 'scientists' and bringing us such unworthy breakthroughs as cures for lukaemia.
The Board's clarity of thinking will ensure that the US will no longer have to bear this burden. While 'scientists' in other countries will in future have to take on this load, the US, led by right-thinkers trained in Kansas, will be able to rely on truly non-scientific breakthroughs based on time-honored superstitions that we all know and love.

5:44 AM  
Blogger Library Lady said...

Love the psalms line and the bit about the Dover School Board evolving!

It helps to laugh about this stuff. Otherwise I might run out howling into the streets.

Truthfully, the Intelligent Design folks show that human beings are neither. And they make me believe in DEVOLUTION!

8:44 PM  

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