Thursday, November 17, 2005

If It's Peking, Duck

Memo to: The President

Subject: Background briefing for your visit to Beijing

Location: The Meeting will be held in China. China is a Communist country. That’s easy to remember if you look at a map – it’s a little left of California. (China is also a very large country but it is probably not a good idea to say ‘Wow, I thought Brazil was big!’.) During this trip there will be two important diplomatic events. We are hosting an informal cook-out at the US embassy. That will give you a chance to get to know Chairman Hu Jintao. He’ll be the one wearing the badge that says Hi! My name is 胡錦濤. The Chinese will be hosting a state dinner. As President of the United States, you get to order three from column B, and since Condy is not on this trip you get her fortune cookie in addition to your own.

The Agenda:

There are three big issues that will be discussed on this trip: Trade, North Korea, and Democracy and Religious Freedom.

The trade issue continues to be a problem. Thanks to Wal-Mart, the Chinese have more US dollars than they know what to do with. We need them to invest in America. Suggest that they take the lead in rebuilding the hurricane damaged Gulf Coast. If anyone can reduce China’s inventory of greenbacks, a bunch of Louisiana politicians should be able to go through the money like water through a levee. You can also offer to subcontract border security to China. They have a lot of experience in building walls.

It looks like we are getting close to a deal on North Korea. South Korea has offered Kim Jong-Il unlimited electricity supplies. China has offered to defend Kim Jong-Il against invasion. Japan has offered Kim Jong-Il enough food for his starving citizens. Russia has offered Kim Jong-Il infrastructure projects. We also need to offer Kim Jong-Il something he really wants. Offer to lower the height requirements on the rides at Disneyland and a copy of Paris Hilton’s latest tape with the 6 bikers and the egg beater.

Democracy will be a tricky subject. The Joint Chiefs of Staff have determined that invading China to introduce democracy will stretch our military too thin. (Given Iraq, it looks like invading Liechtenstein might be a problem.) We need to get the Chinese to realise that Democracy is not a threat to the stability of the government. We need them to see that the power of the ruling party will not be threatened. Suggest that Tom Delay give them a call. Don’t push too hard on religious freedom. A country that uses chop sticks instead of knives, forks and spoons is not ready for intelligent design.

The Final Communiqué:

The closing press conference is a very important event. The Chinese are obsessed with saving face and following protocol. It is critical that you let the Chairman take the first question and give the first answer. Remember, Hu’s on first.


Blogger Abby Taylor said...

This is inspired. I'm linking to it at Falafel Sex.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA! Hilarious.

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Steve Dix said...

No! No! No! NAUGHTY President! BAD President! DON'T invade Lichtenstein!

Say after me, Mr. President, Nasty Fascist Dictators BAD, Pro-American Fascist Dictators GOOD!

No biscuit for you - back in your basket.

No, that's Barney's basket.

6:19 AM  
Blogger Pat Marcello said...


Though your briefing is simplistic, you probably need to draw pictures of China for GW and perhaps even a picture of the "head Chinese guy" so he doesn't become confused. Can't be too careful.

Pat Marcello

7:03 PM  
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