Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Crème Brulée

In an attempt to satisfy the insatiable desire of the average American for in-depth reporting on international events, H I has mobilized its crack news gathering team to cover the riots that are sweeping France. Our senior correspondent, Shannon Segue, is embedded in a Golden Memories travel group currently enjoying a 14 day tour of all 25 countries of the European Union. The trip is sponsored by the Evangelical End Times Church of Wilmer, Texas. Pastor Kyle Muggins observed that ‘although a lot of people in this neck of the woods talk funny, you can find a McDonalds just about everywhere. And getting to see France burned up is really Biblical!’.

Reporting from the scene of the action, H I has been able to get a series of hard hitting interviews. They add up to a very grim picture. According to Philippe Poubelle-Merdier, French Undersecretary for Residents Who Want to be French but Never Will Be, ‘these petty irritations are the work of a tiny minority of trouble makers. How much difficulty can 5 or 6 million unemployed, hopeless, angry, disconnected North African Muslims cause the French Republic? If we can defeat the Germans three times in 150 years, this riffe-raffe can be dealt with’. Sylvie-Clothilde Poitrine, Head of the Insitute Nationale for the Protection of the French Language immediately denounced the Undersecretary for using the English phrase ‘riffe-raffe’.

Jean-Luc Pompier, head of the National Union of Firefighters released a bristling press statement denouncing the riots. ‘Our members are totally disgusted. Not only has the government refused our demands for a 3 hour work week and full retirement at age 26, but our working conditions are terrible. The smoke is incroyable, the heat is enough to ruin a soufflé, and with all this water how can we keep our uniforms dry?’ The reaction to M Pompier’s statement was electrifying. Pierre Cardin announced an emergency plan to design new, water-proof uniforms for the fire fighters including flame retardant red sashes that can be worn on national holidays. Yves Gauche, the spokesman for the French Communist Party announced a nation-wide strike at all water pumping stations. Reacting to charges that his move would allow the entire country to burn to the ground, M Gauche remarked ‘let them pump Dom Perignon’. French wine growers immediately demanded a subsidy of 80 billion Euros from the EU.

There are those who are attempting to calm the situation. Imam Farouk Barbequeuex, leader of the Central Mosque in the town of Piednoir-sous-Terre, urged the government to adopt Islam as the state religion and make the inclusion of bacon in Quiche Lorraine a capital offence. ‘Can a country truly be described as civilized when unclean and unholy pigs are used to find truffles?’ said the Imam. His suggestion that camels be used as a substitute has been fiercely condemned by the Dromedary Society of Lille. The DSL has announced the formation of a new political party which will campaign under the slogan ‘Two Humps Are Better Than One’. Les Dames Horizontales, the French prostitutes’ union immediately pledged a contribution of 2 million Euros to the new party citing fears that being forced to wear burkas would reduce their productivity.

In an attempt to improve relations between the US and France, President Bush has offered the help of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. In response, our own Shannon Segue can report that France is considering declaring war on the USA.


Anonymous Kim said...

How do you come up with all of it? Well done Kevin. I'm so glad youre back up and running. I look forward to the next post.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Vilay said...

I love the name you give them. especially "Les dames horizontales" for the prostitutes.

4:25 PM  
Anonymous Clutters said...


Madame Guillotine awaits you mon brave... and please clarify the dates of victory the French had over the Germans? Was this wine versus beer contests in the Alsace?

Your mate, Paul Clutterbuck

9:55 AM  
Blogger Vilay said...

18 november 1918, 97 years ago.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Ken Grandlund said...

Absolutely Fabulous. I guess the result of being over PC can actually come back to haunt you. Oh yes, that, and blindly subjugating the "lesser people" to discrimination and abuse may play a part.

However, the rioters should understand that wanton destruction to make a political point seldom brings people over to your side. Neither does the promotion of religion as a fix-all remedy.

3:18 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home


Humor Blog Top Sites