Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Take The High Road, W

Memo to: The President

Subject: Background briefing for your G8 Summit meeting

Location: The Meeting will be held at the Gleneagles Hotel and Golf Resort in Perthshire, Scotland. (Note: it is not necessary for you to attempt to say Perthshire.) Scotland is a lot like California. It thinks it is a separate country too.

The meeting: It is very important to remember who is who at the meeting. Use the CIA codenames for the other attendees: Canada (Sleepy), France (Grumpy), Germany (Guilty), Italy (Sloppy), Japan (Shorty), Russia (Sleazy) and the UK (Monty). The EU will also be there because they want to be a dwarf when they grow up. You don’t have to remember them.

The agenda for the meeting is very limited because the members of the golf club want the tank traps taken out of the sand traps and the AWACS plane and the tanks off the 15th fairway in three days. As a result, you will not be able to lobby for the Save Terri Treaty or argue to have condominiums labelled as ineffective in preventing painful rashes. Negotiations will be limited to two topics: Africa and Global Warming.

Africa is the big continent that kind of looks like a guitar. There are a lot of countries in Africa but they don’t get a vote at the summit. They are like Washington, DC. Not only can’t they vote, but they have a lot of poverty, crime, AIDS, and corruption too. This part of the meeting should be pretty easy. Everyone wants to fix Africa before Jessica Simpson decides to do a solo benefit concert. It’s also a good chance to make Tony happy. He keeps whining about his legacy and wanting to make the 8:06 from Mombassa to Lagos arrive on time. (He’ll be meeting with you before the summit if the 8:06 from London to Edinburgh arrives at all.)

The Global Warming part is more of a problem. The problem is that everyone else thinks it’s a problem. They are going to talk a lot about science. They will try and convince you that science is more than nucular fishing. They will try and scare you that the oceans are rising and millions of people will drown. (Note: most of the blue parts of the US map are closest to the ocean.) Point out that if it gets a little warmer there will be less use of wood burning fireplaces and the habitat of the semi-spotted periwinkle will be saved. We have an independent study funded by Exxon to back you up. It is very important that little or no progress is made on this issue. Suggest that the UN be put in charge of it.

A post summit press kit will be distributed with details on the disastrous problems faced by more than 600 million people of Africa, the risk to the survival of the human race from global warming, and the ethical and moral imperatives that have been placed on the world’s political leaders.

We will have a separate press announcement for the US media on your support for Little League Baseball and announcing July 28th as National Pistachio Ice Cream Day.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! Another wonderfully witty and incisive post! You made me spew my coffee all over the screen!

Great writing as always!

Cheers,

Nicole H (Bijou)

8:44 AM  
Blogger Whymrhymer said...

You sir are an evil genius!

Wonderful satire!

On a serious note: If we buy into that Kyoto treaty we'll be very sorry long before we're saved from any impending global warming.

This is part of a PBS debate on the Treaty:

Samuel Thernstrom, a scholar on environmental issues at the American Enterprise Institute speaking:

"The Kyoto protocol would have imposed unique obligations on the United States, while most countries would have had to make fairly modest reductions to meet the terms of the protocol.

"Only the United States has had a very vigorous growing economy since the baseline year of 1990, which is what the protocol establishes as a way of measuring our targets.

"Because the American economy has grown so much to meet the Kyoto Protocol goals, America would have had to cut its emissions by 30 percent.

"That would be a drastic reduction in energy use in this country and would have a catastrophic effect on the American economy."

12:10 PM  
Blogger Abby Taylor said...

Perhaps the threat of a Jessica Simpson solo concert should be used as a tool in all our international diplomacy.

Great essay.

10:14 PM  
Blogger Bug said...

As usual I'm not dissapointed with my visit here..very funny sweetie! Cheers!

11:18 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

Beautiful work.

I am shocked, Whymrhymer, just shocked that AEI would be against the Kyoto treaty. After all, they get ExxonMobil money, and as we know, ExxonMobil is all for a detached, scientific approach to global warming. As for the Kyoto protocol requiring more of the US, I doubt that has anything to do with our excessive energy consumption (approx. one quarter of the world total) and more to do with ExxonMobil and other oil companies' well-honed sense of fairness. It's not as if glaciers are melting or anything.

10:45 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

These directions were too intense. They just put him on a bike, knocked him off, and said he was in too much pain to attend.

(*)>

("It is very important that little or no progress is made on this issue. Suggest that the UN be put in charge of it." classic.)

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