Tuesday, May 03, 2005

A Different Point Of View, #1

In support of open journalism, the H I Editorial Board has decided to feature guest columnists from time to time. Our first visiting writer is the Reverend H. Duane Surely, President of Praise Tabernacle Armageddon and End Days Inerrant Bible University with his popular column ‘Ask Pastor Duane’.

Dear Pastor Duane: I was born again in Christ last Tuesday. Can I get another Social Security number? I hear they are going on E-bay for $500! Redeemed in Missoula

Dear Redeemed: Follow your conscience and remember that contributions to my ministry are tax deductible.

Dear Pastor Duane: My husband does not want to be baptised because he is not sure his Rolex is waterproof. Desperate Housewife

Dear Desperate Housewife: The thought of your husband being left behind causes me much distress. Send me his Rolex.

Dear Pastor Duane: We have been home schooling Ezekial for 17 years and he has finally memorised the entire Bible (Praise God). Should we start teaching him other subjects? Proud Mom

Drear Proud Mom: It sounds like Ezekial has the potential to join our faculty. Get back to me after you teach him Ancient Hebrew and Principles of Tax Accounting.

Dear Pastor Duane: My daughter failed her 5th grade math test because she refused to write the answer to ‘2 times 333’. What can I do? Concerned Christian Parent

Dear Concerned Christian Parent: I will ask Proud Mom to reach out to you.

Dear Pastor Duane: We are boycotting the only pharmacy in town because they dispense birth control pills. My husband has ED and without Viagra I miss that ‘special feeling’ I used to have 5 or 6 times a day. Please help. Saved But Frustrated

Dear Saved But Frustrated: Come to one of my Let the Lord Touch You meetings and register for a private blessing session. In the meantime, check out the ‘Special Feeling’ section of the ‘When Jesus Saves, You Save’ gift shop on our website.

Dear Pastor Duane: How can I hurry up the last days? I can’t wait for my atheistical boss to go to hell and for my left-wing commie neighbor to disappear so I can get his SUV and for the Old Testament to replace the Constitution and for the UN to be eaten by the Beast and for the NRA to shoot all the activational judges and for the Ayrabs to get nuked. Rapture Freak

Dear Rapture Freak: Make a Let The End Days Roll gift and keep voting Republican.


On occasion, the H I Editorial Board will offer space for other points of view while there is still time to do so.

9 Comments:

Anonymous dv said...

Now that IS funny - but scarily like the real thing.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Abby Taylor said...

You are soooo going to hell.

See you there.

9:03 PM  
Blogger Whymrhymer said...

Now that was an Fing riot!

Thanks for the laugh!

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was great!

Ehm, going down are we?

http://www.horsehell.com

12:40 AM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

I found this one floating in cyberspace. Since you've let him post here, I'm gonna pass it on...

Dear Reverend Duane,

About eight and a half months after our last prayer session together, the Angels visited upon me a wonderful gift.

Unfortunately, even though I have informed you of this precious result of our time together, you've not annoited Jehosephat (I call him Phat, for short) with any child support. My heart is with the Lord, but my kid is hungry.

Do you think God will punish me if I sue you for being a deadbeat dad?

Yours in Christ,
Wanda Mae

(*)>

11:24 AM  
Blogger Homo Insapiens said...

Dear Wanda Mae

Reverend Surely has asked us to reach out to you. Little Jehosephat is certainly a blessing from the Lord. As such, the Lord will take responsibility for his well being. Reverend Surely is merely His instrument. He is also merely a very lowly paid employee of Surely Praise God Event Planning and Broadcasting, Inc. which is not a party to whatever financial issues you may have.

Rest assured that Jehosephat will be prayed over and consider making a Child Covenant donantion to Surely Ministries Plc.

Meetum, Greatem and Cheatham
Attormneys at Law

4:45 PM  
Blogger LingLing said...

oh that was great!
found you on BE, blogmarking you now...
cheers, LingLing

5:15 PM  
Blogger Voracious Reader said...

Lol. Very entertaining.

10:51 PM  
Blogger madman said...

Funny as Hell!

11:16 PM  

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