Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Relationships On The Rocks

The issue of homosexuality is one of the thorniest battlegrounds of the American culture wars. From ‘Gay Marriage’ to ‘Sponge Bob’, Americans seem to get more exercised over this issue than just about anyone. From the Christian Right, cannon and mortars are fired in the name of an angry Divinity. From the Liberal Left, machine guns and rockets return fire in the name of freedom and justice. In the no-man’s land between the armies, the moderate and uninterested wander from shell hole to fox hole just hoping for a break in the hostilities. However, the USA does not have a monopoly on social carnage.

A new theatre of war is developing in, of all places, Germany; specifically in Bremerhaven. Familiar military formations are gathering. Right wing conservatives and left wing socialists are reporting for duty. In this battle, no-man’s land is inhabited by 6 Humboldt penguins, waddling from rock to rock and diving into the icy waters of the Bremerhaven Zoo. Although apparently happy and faithful, these three pairs of penguins had not managed to bring any little Humboldts into the world. It was noticed that they rolled large stones into their nests and sat on them in an effort at incubation. So, the Director of the zoo, one Heike Keuck, ordered DNA testing. It turns out that both parties in each of these three loving relationships are male. It might have been better to have kept with the ‘don’t ask – don’t tell policy’. Penguins don’t say much of anything in any case. A moderate position of ‘what people do behind closed doors is none of our business’ could a problem. The idea of keeping the animals in a zoo behind closed doors seems a bit troublesome – or at least disappointing to the schoolchildren who visit the animals in the zoo.

In an ingenious effort to tempt these guys to go straight, four female penguins have been introduced into the mix. These are not just any old females. These are Swedish penguins and anyone who has ever been to a blue movie in Stockholm knows what Swedish girls can get up to. Of course, Gay Rights groups from around the world are furious. Hate mail and death threats have been forwarded to the zoo in response to what they see as an attempt to ‘cure’ the sibilant six. On the other hand, the European Endangered Species Programme fully supports the effort to ‘normalise’ the relationships. Apparently we need all of the little Humboldts we can get our hands on.

Luckily for all concerned, Director Keuck has brought Teutonic thoroughness to the plan to convince these openly gay couples to give up their lifestyle. In case they decide to continue holding flippers and trying to adopt rocks, two new males have also been added to this overheated situation. Apparently the two new guys are certified as straight, randy and ready to perform. The Swedish girls will not be disappointed with their city break to Bremerhaven even if they fail to break up the three offending marriages.

Surely this is an issue that America can identify with. Massachusetts can recognise Humboldt Civil Unions. Alabama can make homosexual penguin marriage unconstitutional. Penguins can organise Gay Pride ice slides in Alaska. Bible scholars can search the New Testament for prohibitions against unnatural sex acts involving feathers. A Federal Task Force can be set up to consider whether two male penguins in a stable relationship can provide a nurturing home for a rock. Perhaps we’ll ultimately get an answer to a very vexing question: how many men in America will finally be willing to take their tuxedo out of the closet?


Blogger I Am The Walrus said...

Oh the destruction of it all...what is the world coming to? Very funny!

9:41 AM  
Blogger Africanuck said...

"how many men in America will finally be willing to take their tuxedo out of the closet"

You now have me wondering what we should call those who RENT their tuxes...

11:38 AM  
Blogger B said...

Stunning satire.

3:15 PM  
Blogger emily said...

Excellent discussion on dna testing. I bookmarked your blog. I have my own dna testing blog if you want to take a look.

1:25 AM  

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