Sunday, February 20, 2005

En Guard, W

Memo to: The President
Subject: Background information for your meeting with President Chirac

Location: The meeting with President Chirac of France will be held in Brussels, Belgium. Belgium is a collection of neuroses bordered by France, Luxembourg, Germany and the Netherlands. The Belgians invented Freedom Fries but for some reason call them ‘pumm freetz’. Belgium has outsourced it government to the European Union (apparently India did not submit a proposal), and is a member of and hosts the headquarters of NATO. Their tank is kept in a good state of military preparedness.

The meeting: It has been decided that you should host the dinner for President Chirac. France has developed an effective negotiating strategy that you must be aware of. A typical French dinner consists of escargot (snails) and cheval (horse meat). This will be followed by sweetbreads (brains), tripe (stomach lining), kidneys, liver and pig’s feet. France has used this strategy many times. As no foreign leader can even look at the meal, much less eat it, most of them just slip the food off their fork and under the chair. Given the amount of wine that is also served, foreign dignitaries are usually blotto by the time the smelly cheese arrives. The French however enjoy eating disgusting things and spare parts. Luckily, Mr President, you have not had a drink since God told you he wanted you to be a politician. To lull President Chirac into a false sense of confidence, you could just pour the wine under your chair onto the floor. It would be absorbed by the tripe. However, we believe that a dinner on our terms is best.

President Chirac is likely to try and move the conversation in his direction. If he says ‘wheut pert of ‘vous etes un imbecile avec la mentalite d’un chimpanzee’ daunt yeu honderstand?’ say ‘all of it’. You don’t speak French. John Kerry speaks French. You won. He lost. At this point ask how the talks are going with Iran. The Europeans have offered money, favourable trade terms, and free power plants if Iran gives up nuclear arms and long range missile technology. See if they might throw in Milan or Athens as well. (Note: be certain that Chirac understands this is not Milan, Ohio or Athens, Georgia. If he insists on an American city, San Francisco is 97% Democrat.)

The post meeting press release: After the dinner, a prepared statement will be issued to the media on your behalf.

President Chirac and I have discussed a wide range of topics. We have agreed to continue to discuss more topics as topics come up. In the spirit of Franco-American cooperation, I have invited Jocks down to the ranch in Crawford for a working breakfast. After a benediction by the Rev. Pat Robertson, Bruce Springsteen will sing ‘Born in the USA’ and the US Joint Forces choir will perform ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘It’s a Grand Old Flag’. Grits, red eye gravy and chitlins will be served.

You’ll have him right where you want him, Mr President. It will be a perfect time to bring up the seat on the UN Security Council for Texas.


Blogger Abby Taylor said...

As always, quality writing. Love it.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Mags said...

Thank you for putting a smile on my face this morning. :-)

1:12 PM  

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